Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You are the jesus of drinking
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
