Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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