You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
