K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
