Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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