It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
