omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
