Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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