she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
