Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
