I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
