Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am one with the molecules
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
