So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
