i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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