I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
