so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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