Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
