I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
