I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
