I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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