It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
