Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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