I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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