I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
