Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
