If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm at about main and main street
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
