Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
