FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
