Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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