I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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