I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
