You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
