Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
