I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
