if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
