Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
