How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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