so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
