I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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