# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
