I'm sorry my penis didn't work
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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