It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
