so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
