If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
