You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
