I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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