I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I intend to get homeless drunk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
