So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
