got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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