I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
