I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
