The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
