DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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