i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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I need you to use more vowels.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
